A Brief Etiquette Guide for Formal Dining Events

Formal Dinnerware and special occasions call for your best social graces.

The holiday season has arrived, and special events and meals await.  Here in the Midwest, we’re known for making our guests comfortable with casual dining and plenty of food.  Alas, sometimes we either forget our formal dining etiquette training, or were never properly taught in the first place.  As a primer on the basics or a quick refresher, I’ve gathered the basics here to give you confidence and increase your enjoyment at semi-formal and formal dining events!

One look at a formally set table, and some pulses start to race as pounding headaches begin to throb in others.  Don’t let all the linens, plates, flatware and glassware get the best of you.  Familiarize yourself with the elements of a well-set table, a handful of proper procedures and a smile, and you’ll discover the fun of these gatherings. 

First, I'll explain the tableware, including placement and function for plates, flatware, and glassware.  Next, I'll share some table manner tips.  Along the way, I give you a clue about salt and pepper shakers.  To send you on your way with a confidence-builder, I'll unravel the correct usage of napkins.  All these elements work together silently to guide the guests through the meal.  Etiquette is like a map to a party, you just need to know the signs to enjoy the trip!

Diagram of a correctly constructed formal table setting.

 Tableware

Use this hint from Real Simple's
Nov. 2018 edition to always
know which bread plate and
glassware are yours.

Plates

Regardless of the role you hold, whether host or hostess, or guest, a quick review of a properly set dining table will help you know when to use each element of a place setting.  Each place at the table features the dinner plate front and center as the anchor. Sometimes, a larger diameter colorful plate or plate of a different substance, like wicker for example, rests under the dinner plate.  This charger serves only a decorative purpose. If a smaller plate appears on top of the dinner plate, that is the salad plate, and will be used first.  If the main course will be served with gravy, the salad plate position may be switched to the left side of the forks. A smaller plate sets to the upper left of the dinner plate holds your bread, hence the name bread plate and sometimes the butter knife rests there as well. If soup is being served, you will see a small bowl or a low, broad bowl called a soup plate on top of the salad plate. 

Flatware 

Flatware, also commonly called silverware (even if it is made of stainless steel instead of silver), rests around the plate in the order in which it will be used, moving from the outside toward the dinner plate.  Etiquette dictates the placement of each utensil in relation to the dinner plate as follows:

To the outer left, salad fork

To the immediate left, dinner fork

To the outer right, tea spoon (for coffee, tea or dessert)

To the outer right of the dinner spoon

To the inner right, knife with the sharp edge toward the plate. This could be either a regular knife or a steak knife.  It would be rare to see both pieces. 

When a small spoon and/or fork are located above the dinner plate in a horizontal position, they are there for dessert.  The fork is laid beneath the dessert spoon, handle facing left.  The spoon will be above, handle facing right.  If you don’t see these items, don’t despair! Dessert utensils may also be presented on the dessert plate if the host(ess) so chooses.

Glassware 

What are all these glasses for?  Let me build you a map so you know exactly the use of each piece of glassware based on its position.  Beginning from the center of the dining plate and continuing to the right you will find the following, depending upon the beverages being served:

Know your glassware types and you'll always know which to use.

• Water Goblet - placed in a position closest to the hand, approximately 1 inch above the tip of the dinner knife.

• White Wine and Red Wine Glasses - follow to the right of the water.

• Coffee Cup and Saucer -  found approximately one (1) inch beyond the outermost piece of flatware with the top edge of the saucer is aligned with the top rim of the plate. Cup handles are placed in the four o'clock position.

GENERAL TABLE SETTING GUIDELINES

Brought to us by our friends at https://www.etiquettescholar.com/dining_etiquette/table_setting.html

• Elbow room requires a minimum of 15 inches between place settings, or approximately 24 inches from the center of one place setting to the middle of the next.
• When an uneven number of people are seated, the odd-numbered place settings are laid opposite the middle of the even-numbered place settings.
• Dinner plates are laid about one (1) inch in from the edge of the table.
• The lower edges of the utensils should be aligned with the bottom rim of the plate, about one (1) inch up from the edge of the table.
• To avoid hiding a utensil under the rim of a plate or bowl, lay it approximately one (1) inch away from the plate's side.

Salt shakers have more, larger holes
 than pepper shakers.

As Clear as Black and White:  Salt and Pepper  

If there’s not a S and P on the shakers, or if they are not clear, it can be confusing to know the contents of each …unless you know this tip.  Because more people use salt than pepper (and most people are right-handed), the salt shaker is placed to the right of the pepper shaker, the position closer to the right hand.  For added definition, pepper is angled slightly above the salt shaker.  Another hint you may find helpful lies in the holes.  Because salt is finer than pepper, the lid of the salt shaker is punctured with smaller, more numerous holes than a pepper shaker.

TABLE MANNERS GUIDE

You’ll be the star of the event when you display your impeccable table manners.  Take note of these quick etiquette protocols from EtiquetteScholar.com and huffpost.com, and sail through your next event with ease and grace.

When it comes to dining in North America, there are two styles of eating: American and Continental. Both styles of dining are correct.  In this article, however, I’m going to only address the American style, aside from a brief description of the Continental. 

The Continental Style of Eating

Just so you have a basic idea of the Continental style, here’s a brief description.  In the early nineteenth century, the European upper class stopped shifting their forks back and forth, and the Continental style of eating became fashionable. The fork stays in the left hand, with the tines pointed down, and the knife is held by the right hand. The food is then speared by the fork and conveyed to the mouth.

The American Style of Eating

Americans and Canadians use a style called the American Style, sometimes known as "the zigzag method." American style is defined by holding the knife in the right and the fork in the left hand. The food is held in place by the fork for cutting, then, the knife is placed near the top of the plate, blade facing in. The fork is then switched to the right hand and used to pick up the piece of food, tines up.

Pause Position

When you pause during eating but have not finished, the utensils are placed in the "resting position" with the knife placed on the right side of the plate in the 4 o'clock position, blade in, and the fork placed on the left side in the 8 o'clock position, tines up. If you leave the table temporarily, arrange your flatware in the pause position and place your napkin on the seat or arm of your chair. Napkins should not go back on the table until you leave for good.

Passing the Plate Position

• To prevent flatware from falling off when the plate is passed for a second helping,
• The fork and knife are centered vertically in the six o'clock position toward the middle of the plate.
• Leave enough room to grasp the plate in passage and to provide ample space for the extra serving.

Finished Position

Knives and Forks Finished Position

When you've finished eating, the knife and fork are placed side by side on the right side of the plate in the 4 o'clock position, with the fork on the inside, tines up, and the knife on the outside, blade in. This "I am finished" position non-verbally tells others that you are done with your meal.

Soup Spoons Finished Position

Soup Bowl. If soup or dessert is served in a deep bowl, cup, or stemmed bowl set on another plate, place your utensil(s) on this underplate when you finish. If the underplate is too small to balance the spoon, the spoon is laid in the bowl.

Soup Plate. If the bowl is what is called a soup plate (shallow and wide), leave the spoon in the bowl.

Flatware Etiquette for Both Styles

Once you begin the meal, Lisa Mirze Grotts, a recognized etiquette expert, says that it is important that your utensils should never touch the table, as no one enjoys the site of a soiled tablecloth. It's improper to even allow the handle of a utensil to touch the table while the other end rests on the plate.

When a course is complete, place any utensils meant for that course on the plate, whether or not they were used.

A Note About Napkins

Although they look marvelous, napkins can cause guests to fidget uncertainly with this table accessory.  However, the etiquette tips I gleaned from Miss Janice, who calls herself a prissy southern lady at http://etiquettewithmissjanice.blogspot.com should clear up any confusion and let you fully enjoy any given formal function.  In formal table settings, the napkin should be white, ivory, or a pastel color, matching the tablecloth. The napkin must be placed in the center of the service plate with the monogram facing the diner.

Correct use and placement of
cloth napkin and ring.

For informal settings, napkins may be any color or pattern and may be placed to the left side of the plate, left of the forks {not under the forks}. They may also be placed under the plate, in the goblet, wrapped around flatware, or any other place the hostess chooses to display them.When folding napkins, the fold should always be closest to the plate. All napkin folds on your table should face the same way.

Napkin rings make a lovely adornment for napkins, but they are only used at an informal table setting. When using napkin rings, set the table with the point of the napkin facing the diner. After the napkin has been removed from the ring, the ring should be placed at the top left side of the place setting. At the end of the meal, the napkin should be placed back in the napkin ring, with the point facing the center of the table.

Use these Napkin Need-to-Know Tips at your next formal event:

Incorrect napkin ring usage.

Tanya Mohn, who covers road safety and consumer travel issues for Forbes complied this helpful list, with some of the best guidance from Miss Janice sprinkled in for good measure.

• Don't place your napkin in your lap immediately upon being seated.
• Do wait for the host(ess) to unfold and place his or her napkin first.
• Don't unfold your napkin above the table. 
• Do unfold your napkin, just above your lap, underneath the table.
• Don't blot lipstick on a cloth napkin.
• Do use a tissue.
• Do use the napkin to blot the lips, not to wipe the mouth.
• Don't use your napkin as a handkerchief...that is just gross!
• Don't crumple your napkin.
• If you need to leave the table during a meal, do place your napkin on the seat of the chair. A napkin is never returned to the table before the meal has ended!
• Don't place your cloth or paper napkin on your plate after eating.
• Don't place your napkin back on the table while others are still eating.

To see how this plays out at a dinner party, here's a walk-through of end-of-the-meal happenings.  At the end of the meal, the hostess will pick up her napkin and place it loosely on the table, to the left of the plate. At that time, you should also place your napkin on the table. If napkin rings were used, return the napkin to the napkin ring, with the point facing the center of the table, to the left of the plate. As you read before, www.Forbes.com further instructs that, “A napkin is never returned to the table until you're ready to leave; it stays on your lap, even after the meal is finished. When you're ready to leave the table, pick up the napkin by the center, gather it loosely, and place it to the left of the plate. If the plate has been removed, you may place the napkin on the table in front of you.”  Do not place the napkin on the plate in front of you.

Now you can attend your next soiree with savoir-faire, elegance and self-assurance.  Along with good etiquette, remember that everyone loves a happy guest.  People want to be with people who are warm, kind and full of grace.

My wish for you is to fully enjoy the loving company of friends and family!

Until next time,

Kay